ExJW Quiet Activism: The Key is Not in Your Past

What you need to handle your current situation, whatever that may be, lies ahead of you and not in your past. Keep looking forward and think about your next move, where you want to go, nothing long term is needed at the moment, but think about what it is you need to do now to feel better about your situation.

Many ex-Jehovah's Witnesses (JWs) struggle with living in the past, me included. I still keep thinking about what could have been, where I went wrong as I was growing into adulthood and still adhering to the austere and lonely lifestyle that I had been taught as far back as I can remember. My strict JW parents had done their job, I was fully indoctrinated and even though I fought for basic rights of going out of the house for pre-determined time periods and activities with worldly friends when I was taking horseback riding lessons, I never fought for my right to my own life, to my own freedom to pick and choose my life course. Even when I started working, I still lived at home with my parents because with a High School education I could not afford a place of my own in addition to the added burden of having to give my parents a third of my monthly paycheck. All this and heaven too? No, all this and hell in the form of that endless treadmill of going in the weekly door-to-door recruiting work, attending three meetings per week, one meeting was in a private home until that was eliminated several years ago, so now there are two meetings per week filled with endless boredom and mind numbing nonsense. I grew up very isolated, even from other JWs which I never fully understood until much later in my life, which is a story for another time.

My parents had me fully trained to be a pal to mom while dad was busy with his responsibilities in the congregation as an Elder. He held a few positions through the years as the congregation Secretary, Watchtower magazine study article conductor on Sundays and sometimes he led the ministry school, which is where anyone of any age in the congregation could learn to speak in public on Bible topics, which would help in the door to door ministry to recruit members into the organization. The ministry school conductor would grade each student on specific points as laid out in a study course book called the Theocratic Ministry School Guidebook.

Throughout my life I ignored the signs and signals that marked the path out of that door of the Kingdom Hall and never having to return when I felt I was still young enough to have a career, a family, a life. So, I stuck it out believing it was a true religion until I slowly started to research the origins of the church and slowly got up the courage to permanently walk away. I left officially in June 2006 and have never returned to any Kingdom Hall and have no plans on doing so.

I came across a website that pretty much describes my upbringing being raised by parents with low emotional intelligence:

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2015/04/raised-by-parents-with-low-emotional-intelligence/#at_pco=tst-1.0&at_si=57f88fd715de3ba0&at_ab=per-2&at_pos=1&at_tot=2

I can identify with the story presented on that website of a girl sequestered behind the doors of her bedroom hoping that she would be told that she was sent home with the wrong birth parents and would be returned to her real parents. Nope, it was a reality, but add to that in my situation where the parents were strict JWs and believed that the world was coming to an end any day, month or year. Parents stuck in a doomsday religion and raising their child to believe the same thing. A piece of my parents' personality was missing and the JW organization emphasized and encouraged it.

It's being raised by parents having no natural affection and not being able to express emotion in a normal, healthy way. In my house, I was either screaming, crying or shut away in my bedroom for hours on end wondering when that knock on the door would come with a White Knight to free me from my dark hellhole wanting out but not knowing how to get myself out of my predicament, first, because I was a kid and secondly, when I became an adult, I did not have the emotional skills to deal with the real world and stayed with my captors, my abusers, my parents. Yes, as stated before on this blog, I was abused emotionally, physically and mentally but I can now give myself a pat on the back when I think about how I freed myself from the JW culture and from my abusive parents, yes, me alone. Oh, but they have low emotional intelligence and simply write off my exit from the JWs snickering behind my back saying that I had sinned, making up stories and gossiping with each other that I had wanted a worldly lifestyle filled with orgies, drugs and alcohol, when I can assure you dear reader, none of that is or was true. I fled a ghastly man-made false religion, a book publishing company started by a wealthy man who used his connections with the Freemasons to gain even more wealth that formed the foundation of the modern day JW religion which is reportedly worth about one billion dollars.

I have more stories to share, but mainly wanted you to know the key to whatever is locked up inside of you, any hopes, dreams and schemes to better your life, lies ahead of you, not in your past. Of course we need to figure out what has happened to us in the damaging JW religion, of course we need to admit we had an abnormal upbringing, but at some point, we need to turn around and begin looking forward.

Yes, that is where your future is, looking forward. Take small steps day by day and think about what you want to accomplish and forget what your JW judgmental parents say, forget the crazy JW church, your indoctrinated JW relatives, this is your life and you are dealing with people with low emotional intelligence which may help you cope better with your abusive past. It's the lot of them, all JWs have that condition, even ones who were not born and raised in the organization. They have a quirk about their personality that draws them to this doomsday religion where they hide from reality, hide from participating in their children's lives, hide from their relatives by shunning them and not celebrating birthdays or holidays, all for fake and made up reasons since the point is, they are teaching you to be separate from the world because they can't cope in the real world. They function on almost zero emotions, zero natural affection and feelings and the JW leadership prey upon that. It's a group of people you do not want to be infected by, stay away at all costs, they are a terminal illness and the only cure is to not become infected in the first place.

Keep moving forward and pick up gems along the way to help you unravel your past and make your path sparkle, leading to a better and brighter future outside of the JW prison walls.