ExJW Quiet Activism: Crisis of Conscience

Are you perhaps having a crisis of conscience? What does that mean exactly? A definition I found was that it means someone is worrying about something they have done that was unfair or morally wrong, so it is bothering their conscience, their inner voice, their integrity, values, and core system of beliefs.

Being born into the Jehovah's Witnesses (JW) religion, I had no such crisis of conscience. I felt I had done nothing wrong, and did not intentionally harm anyone or had done anything morally wrong. Even my preaching from door-to-door trying to recruit members into the JW religion did not result in a crisis of conscience for me, even after leaving. I did feel embarrassment and shame, and felt foolish I believed this religion well into my adulthood and had a newfound appreciation for my so-called worldly relatives who patiently listened to my preaching at them many years later when I became an adult [more on that at another time].

My gradual waking up and breaking free from the constant, daily indoctrination from my parents and people in the Kingdom Halls through the years who reinforced by strict JW training and rituals of my parents, was a very long process and was complicated as I try and relate the various stages as this blog continues as I hope you, dear reader, continues this journey with me.

The major turning point in my long road to freedom from the JW religion was the events that happened on September 11, 2001 with the tragedy of the World Trade Center in New York and the coordinated terrorists attacks on the Pentagon and the commercial airliner that went down in Pennsylvania resulting in thousands of innocent lives lost. My strict, indoctrinated JW mother was completely bolstered by these events on what is now called "9/11". Her reaction was not of fear, terror, or sadness, but she literally said "This is it; finally!" I knew what she meant as we have read in many publications through the years from the Watchtower, Bible and Tract Society corporation and heard in myriads of public talks, you name it my whole life, was that when you see all the wickedness around in the globe, it means our deliverance was getting near [of course, meaning baptized JWs and their Bible studies] but this time it happened on American soil, so yes, this was it according to the belief of many JWs at that time.

This tragic event on 9/11 meant to JWs that finally Satan and the governments were pushed into action by the god Jehovah to change world events, to bring about a global Great Tribulation that would immediately result in the global mass murder of all non-JW persons at Armageddon. Yes, this was it, finally, as every JW lifted their head up thinking we were finally going to be ushered into a grand new system of things, where this earth would be turned into a global paradise. They thought that finally their select group of anointed JWs would go to heaven [the remaining group of 144,000 that have yet to go to heaven] while another select group remain on earth as subjects to them, and also be subject to men appointed as elders on earth to rule over us forever. I say "us" meaning all the rest of the rank and file JWs and those who were studying to become baptized JWs at the time this Great Tribulation and Armageddon happens.

So what was I feeling at this point, when 9/11 happened and the U.S. was stunned as no such horrific terrorist attack had happened in the history of the U.S.? My reaction? Did I feel that the JWs were right and that this was the trigger for the Great Tribulation? No, I didn't. I was numb inside as was the rest of the nation, since I was not directly affected, I lost no love ones in that tragedy, but was stunned and shocked along with feeling great sorrow for people who lost their lives or lost loved ones. It shocked me into reality. There was no god-induced Great Tribulation, there was no Satan doing anything, this was an act brought about by violent and cruel men as has happened throughout history. Men cause these events that harm other people [men, meaning both sexes in this case, who cause intentional harm to others for their own personal profit].

I got on the Internet and started researching the origins of the JW religion. It was all sketchy to me, with the Watchtower corporation already trying to silence us lambs about a decade earlier by publishing a whitewashed version of their history called "Jenovah's Witnesses Proclaimers of God's Kingdom". The book talked about the origin of the 1914 time-of-the-end doctrine, that actually the founder of this movement, Charles Taze Russell, based it on a study of the pyramids; that after Pastor Russell died, the second Watchtower President Joseph Rutherford had a home built in San Diego, California called Beth Sarim where he would welcome resurrected apostles back from the grave. Most JWs don't care about all this and think it's just a quirk of history, just anecdotal material and they ignore it. Since the publication of this book, we were now looking forward to the fast approaching year of 2000, with the new century beginning in 2001 and no way could this present wicked system of things last beyond those years. We even participated in a special campaign about the end of this system of things once again, with special tract distribution in our door-to-door ministry work.

The tragic events of 9/11 did not result in the long awaited Great Tribulation and Armageddon that the JWs have been preaching for a hundred years. There was no end. I was in a false religion that was only a corporation designed to keep its members in fear as each dying generation leaves their money, insurance policies, stocks and bonds to an earthly cash-grab society of men calling themselves the Governing Body (GB) who continue to make millions of dollars with each passing decade.

During my online study about the origins of the JW religion I came upon an ex-JW message board which still exists to this day [https://www.jehovahs-witness.com/]. I wanted to find out what people were saying and thinking that were escaping the JW culture. I posted under a pseudonym and pretended to be a man since I somehow thought I would be taken more seriously. I guess that's my JW indoctrination, women are second class and all we think about are shopping and what to cook for dinner for our husbands. Anyway, I started posting comments and interacting with the group and it was a positive and actually a fun experience since in the JW world you are not allowed to have an independent thought or engage in healthy debate about religion or anything else for that matter. The JWs are of the mindset that they are always right and the world is always wrong and if you didn't listen we would quickly turn a deaf ear and run away. To have a voice and express my own personal opinions was new to me and I liked it.

I eventually purchased a copy of "Crisis of Conscience" by Raymond Franz, who was a former member of the GB [the top leadership of the JW religion]. Yes, he was a member of that select group of 144,000 going to heaven to rule with Jesus Christ over us JWs left here on earth. In my personal opinion, his book is written for long-time JWs or ones that were born and/or raised in a strict JW household. I think anyone else might feel lost in its detail. It is for a person who is Christian, whether a born-in JW or not, as I am not sure I can identify myself as a Christian since leaving the JW culture, but that's a story for another time.

Raymond Franz was a true and strong believer in the Bible and thought the JW religion was the true religion until he became a member of its Governing Body. He carefully goes through the beliefs of the JWs and the end-times teaching that all us JWs grew up with and how the GB arrived at the 1975 date for the time of the end. He does provide detail as to how it is a corporation, with voting, a hierarchy, and how the organization functions and how the literature is written having little to nothing to do with actual Bible truths, but only furthers their own made-up rules and policies. It might be tough going if you are not personally affected by the JW religion. That being said, I felt like Raymond Franz was a fatherly figure I wished I had in my life, to guide me safely away from this cruel and destructive man-made religion with their ever changing internal policies with many failed dates for the destruction of this system of things, proving themselves to be false prophets misleading millions of people.

I will leave you with a few paragraphs from the last pages of his book [before the Appendix] that actually brought a few tears to my eyes. I think it might help ex-JWs who feel they have wasted their lives in a doomsday cult going nowhere, that feeds off of fear and that only the JW religion has the "truth" when the Bible holds out promise and hope to anyone who wants it; not just to a select group of people who have deemed themselves the masters of our fate.

Raymond Franz, Crisis of Conscience, page 407:

"After his summary expulsion from the international headquarters, Edward Dunlap passed through Alabama on his way to Oklahoma City and his beginning life anew there at sixty-nine years of age. In talking with him, he said, 'It seems to me that all one can do is try to lead a Christian life and help people within whatever sphere of influence he normally has. All the rest is in God's hands.' "

Raymond Franz, Crisis of Conscience, page 408:

"As of this present writing (2004), I am 82. I rejoice, as did Ed, in the rich benefits that Christian freedom brings, the closer relationship with God and his Son which that freedom makes possible. Initially I felt that my only regret was that of not coming to the realization I did at an earlier age in life - perhaps a decade earlier (at age 47 instead of 57) - when starting life anew might have been less difficult. On reflection, I recognized that had that been the case I would not have had the experience of spending several years on the Governing Body and gaining the perspective that this made possible, something of potential benefit that could be conveyed to others who had not had this experience.

"Life is a journey, and we cannot make progress in it if our focus is mainly on where we have been; that could lead to emotional inertia or even spiritual decline. What is done is done. The past is beyond our changing, but the present and the future are things we can work with, focus on. The journey inevitably contains challenge, but we can find encouragement in knowing that we are moving on, making at least some progress, and can feel confident that what lies ahead can be fulfilling."

"By holding to conscience and staying true to our Head, God's Son, we suffer no lasting loss, but do gain that which is of immense and enduring value."