Crisis of Conscience

Are you perhaps having a crisis of conscience? What does that mean exactly? A definition I found was that it means someone is worrying about something they have done that was unfair or morally wrong, so it is bothering their conscience, their inner voice, their integrity, values, and core system of beliefs.

Being born into the Jehovah's Witnesses (JW) religion, I had no such crisis of conscience. I felt I had done nothing wrong, and did not intentionally harm anyone or had done anything morally wrong. Even my preaching from door-to-door trying to recruit members into the JW religion did not result in a crisis of conscience for me, even after leaving. I did feel embarrassment and shame, and felt foolish I believed this religion well into my adulthood and had a newfound appreciation for my so-called worldly relatives who patiently listened to my preaching at them many years later when I became an adult [more on that at another time].

My gradual waking up and breaking free from the constant, daily indoctrination from my parents and people in the Kingdom Halls through the years who reinforced by strict JW training and rituals of my parents, was a very long process and was complicated as I try and relate the various stages as this blog continues as I hope you, dear reader, continues this journey with me.

The major turning point in my long road to freedom from the JW religion was the events that happened on September 11, 2001 with the tragedy of the World Trade Center in New York and the coordinated terrorists attacks on the Pentagon and the commercial airliner that went down in Pennsylvania resulting in thousands of innocent lives lost. My strict, indoctrinated JW mother was completely bolstered by these events on what is now called "9/11". Her reaction was not of fear, terror, or sadness, but she literally said "This is it; finally!" I knew what she meant as we have read in many publications through the years from the Watchtower, Bible and Tract Society corporation and heard in myriads of public talks, you name it my whole life, was that when you see all the wickedness around in the globe, it means our deliverance was getting near [of course, meaning baptized JWs and their Bible studies] but this time it happened on American soil, so yes, this was it according to the belief of many JWs at that time. 

This tragic event on 9/11 meant to JWs that finally Satan and the governments were pushed into action by the god Jehovah to change world events, to bring about a global Great Tribulation that would immediately result in the global mass murder of all non-JW persons at Armageddon. Yes, this was it, finally, as every JW lifted their head up thinking we were finally going to be ushered into a grand new system of things, where this earth would be turned into a global paradise. They thought that finally their select group of anointed JWs would go to heaven [the remaining group of 144,000 that have yet to go to heaven] while another select group remain on earth as subjects to them, and also be subject to men appointed as elders on earth to rule over us forever. I say "us" meaning all the rest of the rank and file JWs and those who were studying to become baptized JWs at the time this Great Tribulation and Armageddon happens.

So what was I feeling at this point, when 9/11 happened and the U.S. was stunned as no such horrific terrorist attack had happened in the history of the U.S.? My reaction? Did I feel that the JWs were right and that this was the trigger for the Great Tribulation? No, I didn't. I was numb inside as was the rest of the nation, since I was not directly affected, I lost no love ones in that tragedy, but was stunned and shocked along with feeling great sorrow for people who lost their lives or lost loved ones. It shocked me into reality. There was no god-induced Great Tribulation, there was no Satan doing anything, this was an act brought about by violent and cruel men as has happened throughout history. Men cause these events that harm other people [men, meaning both sexes in this case, who cause intentional harm to others for their own personal profit]. 

I got on the Internet and started researching the origins of the JW religion. It was all sketchy to me, with the Watchtower corporation already trying to silence us lambs about a decade earlier by publishing a whitewashed version of their history called "Jenovah's Witnesses Proclaimers of God's Kingdom". The book talked about the origin of the 1914 time-of-the-end doctrine, that actually the founder of this movement, Charles Taze Russell, based it on a study of the pyramids; that after Pastor Russell died, the second Watchtower President Joseph Rutherford had a home built in San Diego, California called Beth Sarim where he would welcome resurrected apostles back from the grave. Most JWs don't care about all this and think it's just a quirk of history, just anecdotal material and they ignore it. Since the publication of this book, we were now looking forward to the fast approaching year of 2000, with the new century beginning in 2001 and no way could this present wicked system of things last beyond those years. We even participated in a special campaign about the end of this system of things once again, with special tract distribution in our door-to-door ministry work.

The tragic events of 9/11 did not result in the long awaited Great Tribulation and Armageddon that the JWs have been preaching for a hundred  years. There was no end. I was in a false religion that was only a corporation designed to keep its members in fear as each dying generation leaves their money, insurance policies, stocks and bonds to an earthly cash-grab society of men calling themselves the Governing Body (GB) who continue to make millions of dollars with each passing decade.

During my online study about the origins of the JW religion I came upon an ex-JW message board which still exists to this day [https://www.jehovahs-witness.com/]. I wanted to find out what people were saying and thinking that were escaping the JW culture. I posted under a pseudonym and pretended to be a man since I somehow thought I would be taken more seriously. I guess that's my JW indoctrination, women are second class and all we think about are shopping and what to cook for dinner for our husbands. Anyway, I started posting comments and interacting with the group and it was a positive and actually a fun experience since in the JW world you are not allowed to have an independent thought or engage in healthy debate about religion or anything else for that matter. The JWs are of the mindset that they are always right and the world is always wrong and if you didn't listen we would quickly turn a deaf ear and run away. To have a voice and express my own personal opinions was new to me and I liked it. 

I eventually purchased a copy of "Crisis of Conscience" by Raymond Franz, who was a former member of the GB [the top leadership of the JW religion]. Yes, he was a member of that select group of 144,000 going to heaven to rule with Jesus Christ over us JWs left here on earth. In my personal opinion, his book is written for long-time JWs or ones that were born and/or raised in a strict JW household. I think anyone else might feel lost in its detail. It is for a person who is Christian, whether a born-in JW or not, as I am not sure I can identify myself as a Christian since leaving the JW culture, but that's a story for another time.

Raymond Franz was a true and strong believer in the Bible and thought the JW religion was the true religion until he became a member of its Governing Body. He carefully goes through the beliefs of the JWs and the end-times teaching that all us JWs grew up with and how the GB arrived at the 1975 date for the time of the end. He does provide detail as to how it is a corporation, with voting, a hierarchy, and how the organization functions and how the literature is written having little to nothing to do with actual Bible truths, but only furthers their own made-up rules and policies. It might be tough going if you are not personally affected by the JW religion. That being said, I felt like Raymond Franz was a fatherly figure I wished I had in my life, to guide me safely away from this cruel and destructive man-made religion with their ever changing internal policies with many failed dates for the destruction of this system of things, proving themselves to be false prophets misleading millions of people.

I will leave you with a few paragraphs from the last pages of his book [before the Appendix] that actually brought a few tears to my eyes. I think it might help ex-JWs who feel they have wasted their lives in a doomsday cult going nowhere, that feeds off of fear and that only the JW religion has the "truth" when the Bible holds out promise and hope to anyone who wants it; not just to a select group of people who have deemed themselves the masters of our fate.

Raymond Franz, Crisis of Conscience, page 407:

"After his summary expulsion from the international headquarters, Edward Dunlap passed through Alabama on his way to Oklahoma City and his beginning life anew there at sixty-nine years of age. In talking with him, he said, 'It seems to me that all one can do is try to lead a Christian life and help people within whatever sphere of influence he normally has. All the rest is in God's hands.' "

Raymond Franz, Crisis of Conscience, page 408:

"As of this present writing (2004), I am 82. I rejoice, as did Ed, in the rich benefits that Christian freedom brings, the closer relationship with God and his Son which that freedom makes possible. Initially I felt that my only regret was that of not coming to the realization I did at an earlier age in life - perhaps a decade earlier (at age 47 instead of 57) - when starting life anew might have been less difficult. On reflection, I recognized that had that been the case I would not have had the experience of spending several years on the Governing Body and gaining the perspective that this made possible, something of potential benefit that could be conveyed to others who had not had this experience.

"Life is a journey, and we cannot make progress in it if our focus is mainly on where we have been; that could lead to emotional inertia or even spiritual decline. What is done is done. The past is beyond our changing, but the present and the future are things we can work with, focus on. The journey inevitably contains challenge, but we can find encouragement in knowing that we are moving on, making at least some progress, and can feel confident that what lies ahead can be fulfilling."

"By holding to conscience and staying true to our Head, God's Son, we suffer no lasting loss, but do gain that which is of immense and enduring value."

#crisisofconscience #exJW #JWactivism 
#freedomfromwatchtower  #raymondfranz

Rescue Me

Sometimes we have to be our own rescuer. We have to move past the belief a Knight on a white stallion will rescue us from our predicament. 

Memories of my childhood were filled with conflict, two different worlds that I had to sort out in my young and impressionable mind. I remember happy times with my paternal grandparents who were devout Catholics and remember a few birthday parties and a Christmas celebration at their house along with my aunt and cousins. When I was brought back home to my Jehovah's Witness (JW) mother and my soon to be baptized as a JW father who was raised Catholic, my world turned cold and lonely with presents disappearing overnight that my relatives had given to me. 

When we were moving across the U.S., my grandparents gave me toys that I had played with at their home along with personal trinkets my grandmother wanted me to have that all but disappeared after we reached our new home. I was far away from any beliefs, impressions, thoughts or actions that were non-JW. As I got a bit older I questioned my mother about my disappearing gifts from my grandmother and she said she threw out all of the gifts I was ever given by my [paternal] grandparents and relatives [since they were all non-JWs], but she said that I was too old now to cry about it and I guess I was. 

As a child growing up in the JW culture you quickly learn that the JW god Jehovah changed his mind every decade and everyone had to keep up with his chariot and jump when he said jump and kill yourself or a loved one, even your own infant, if they needed a potentially life-saving blood transfusion. Now Jehovah changed this policy by saying that certain blood fractions are allowed to be used in medical procedures. So, too bad if you murdered your child when it could have been saved with the blood fractions policy that was beginning to be implemented in the 1980's and 1990's with "minor" blood fractions fully allowed beginning in 2000.

We are taught that Jesus died as a ransom sacrifice for everyone on this planet yet Jehovah demands you also die for him and just be happy you will be resurrected to a paradise on earth. Oh, with a catch. All resurrected persons would be banned from getting married and having children and would walk around like an asexual zombie throughout eternity. At one point we were actually taught that we would have to bring clothes to the grave sites of our loved ones since they would be resurrected sans clothing. Somehow now the teaching is that God will provide clothes and the resurrected person will just appear running towards you. I think they dropped the grave site scenario.

Oh, Santa Claus is not real, the Easter Bunny is not real, the Tooth Fairy is not real, those kinds of things the JWs will quickly tell a child that they are fake and will destroy any bit of fun and imagination those characters might create in a child's mind. But they will not tell children that mommy and daddy will murder them if a medical emergency procedure conflicts with the edicts of the JW religious leaders and their guilt is buried by the JW church that tells them about that supposed earthly resurrection to a JW paradise. 

While other children were worried about which toy they wanted at the store, as a JW child, I was constantly sitting in a chair inside a Kingdom Hall hearing about how we would be eyewitnesses to the gory mass murder of billions of people at Armageddon who refused to become JWs and that we would be arrested and thrown in jail, beaten and tortured, if we were caught preaching door-to-door which we must continue to do in disobedience of any national edict that places a ban on the JW preaching work. Countless tales of horror and JW manufactured drama were drilled into my mind from Kindergarten through to adulthood. 

The JWs are a doomsday religion that provide ever-changing end dates for this current [wicked] system of things then later deny doing it.

For further reading, reference: http://www.jwfacts.com/watchtower/1975.php

Constantly declaring that the end is nigh boosts their membership since many are afraid and wonder if they may be right. But, it's all manufactured lies to keep an elite group of JW religious leaders very wealthy for generations to come while amassing real estate holdings from public donations, trusts, wills, and property donations. When you expose their lies about a generation from 1914 that would never die and would live to see the destruction at Armageddon, they blame the membership for getting it wrong. They will endlessly keep you spinning on this end-times rhetoric until your own end comes. The same routine that you learned at 8 years old will be the same when you turn 80 years old. JWs are being robbed of a life, and as far as anyone knows, we have only one on this planet Earth. Don't let the JWs steal it from you and bully you into submission with their endless, ever-changing and sometimes dangerous rules and regulations.

It's really a study for a psychiatrist, the Stockholm Syndrome, where you become attached to your captor, your abuser, your jailer, your kidnapper, in a twisted mind game where you think you can't escape and turns out, you don't want to escape because you have no money, no friends and no resources to move out on your own. So you become dependent on your captors who use that punishment and reward system. After your punishment you are given a sweet gift and you are so happy to be back in their good graces. Those were my JW parents; my captors. My life was inside my home, inside a Kingdom Hall, walking door-to-door in the ministry work and only allowed brief association with worldly people where recruitment had to be on my mind constantly. This strict routine bred depression, self loathing, and a victim mentality. 

When I was still a very young child, I was subjected to physical punishment if I rode my bicycle past a certain point on our street where my mother couldn't watch me from her kitchen window. This resulted in a recurring nightmare where I turned that corner and continued riding my bike down a very long street with strange houses along each side and I was getting lost in the maze of the neighborhood when I spotted a strange house that I was drawn to. I left my bike on the front lawn and went inside the house. It was finely furnished with no people around with an expansive pasture in the back of the house. I was looking out the patio glass door into the backyard and saw about 20 men with shovels in their hands approaching the house looking at me and I became terrified they were going to murder me. I ran out of the house and jumped back on my bike and raced back to my home. Yes, just one of a few recurring nightmares that I had buried in my past.

Me at a JW district convention,
which are now commonly called
regional conventions since
the JW leadership has to keep
changing their jargon to identify
opposers to their secret society.

When I started working part-time, I developed a few friendships with non-JWs who are called "worldly" people by the JWs, who tried to be a White Knight by encouraging me to move out of my parents' house and get away from the JW religion. No, I wouldn't listen. But I did engage in endless negotiations with my captors [i.e., my parents] about taking professional horseback riding lessons which they agreed to with strict limits I had to adhere to. Plus, I could not miss any of the required JW meetings or the door-to-door ministry work. I even wore my boots and breeches under a big long skirt to the Sunday meeting since I sometimes had a horse show to get to directly after the morning meeting ended. 

Me riding my girlfriend's horse "Annie" at the barn
where she was stabled. My trainer is to the very
far right in the photo in jeans. I took lessons on
many different horses but mainly showed
Annie and won many ribbons riding her. I have
regrets about not taking advantage of my
wonderful days at the barn and the wonderful
people I met that could have changed my life's course
and freed me from the JW vortex going nowhere.

One time my name was printed in a small local paper that printed the results from a horse show I competed in and I won a few classes. This sent my mother into a frenzy, yelling at me that my dad would have to step down from being an Elder in the congregation [because competitive sports are forbidden by the JW church]. My mother didn't think we would be found out, that they gave me permission to ride horses and compete in horse shows. I wish I had kept that newspaper but mom threw it out as was her routine. But, dad never lost his JW Elder position and they ignored my riding accomplishments after that and simply lied to the JW Body of Elders that I had quit riding horses. I was not to speak of my riding lessons, horse shows, or anything like that to any of the JWs in our congregation. When I came back from my riding lessons or from horse shows proud of my ribbons, I was met with the silent treatment for days on end and stayed in my bedroom until it was time to come out for meals or go to work.

When I began working full-time I took a business class during the day paid by my employer and the teacher, who was about 15 years older than me, asked me out and guess what, I went. It was only lunch and I could "witness" to him, meaning I could try and count my time and preach about the JW religion and wouldn't that be great, putting all this on that mandatory field service time sheet we filled out each month and turned it in at our Kingdom Hall. That teacher tried to tell me about how dangerous the JW religion was and said I should get out. 

So what happened? I failed. Yes, his words smacked right into the stone wall built inside my mind. You see, I failed at getting him interested in the JW religion. His attempts at waking me up failed and I failed at recruiting him. The teacher also worked for an Assemblyman at the State Capitol as a campaign manager and he would sometimes take me to see some of the Floor sessions and no, I never told my parents. I also worked at the State Capitol briefly and sometimes this same teacher would meet me on weekends where I lied to my parents saying it was work related. No, I wasn't dating, since that was forbidden in my household, which I will tell you more about at another time. But I finally ended this friendship with my teacher stating it was because I was a JW. Oh, and yes, I got an "A" in his class and that was the end of that.

But the point is, sadly, in most cases, no White Knight can save any JW that isn't already looking for a savior. They already have to have some part of their imagination, personality and spirit awakened inside of them to respond to help from an "outsider", meaning, anyone not a baptized JW. All fully indoctrinated JWs are terrified if anyone tries to talk against their god Jehovah and will run and hide and say prayers until they are exhausted and fall asleep to drive out those wicked demons who they think are trying to rip them from this god Jehovah and his JW church.

Sometimes help from outsiders never comes. But that's okay. You can be your own White Knight and save yourself, then guess what, you can help save others. Remember what you are told in case of an emergency in an airplane? Put on your oxygen mask first and then help those around you. However, never think it's a waste of time to try and wake up a JW and bring them back to life and not live in fear of an Armageddon where only JWs will survive. It's a false story that was made up by a bunch of wealthy men calling themselves the Governing Body of JWs who are getting richer and richer with each dead and dying generation of JWs. Yes, the Governing Body of men at the JW headquarters in New York are getting rich off of your fears. Stop the fear, stop the trembling and enter a world of open possibilities. It's an adventure you will never regret as you find your own truth that is waiting to be awakened inside of you right now.

#exJW #activism
#truth #JehovahsWitnesses